Discount Retread: NBC Revives Knight Rider

Anyone in the market for a certified pre-owned talking car? Hot on the heels of the Battlestar Galactica and Bionic Woman revamps, NBC is breaking out the jumper cables for the Knight Rider "franchise" with an upcoming TV movie (with the potential to be picked up as a series). 28-year-old soap veteran Justin Bruening will star as the son of Michael Night, the hairy chested, leather-clad crime fighter immortalized by David Hasselhoff in the original series. No word as yet regarding Hoff cameos, but it seems likely as he currently stars on NBC's America's Got Talent.

Rumored to be among the features of the new-and-improved KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand) car are a state-of-the-art irony detection system; a booming hi-fi that still plays only cover songs performed by Hasselhoff; and a wackier, bitchier, even more effeminate personality, featuring the voice talent of Andy Dick.
Stu Phillips and Glen A. Larson - "Knight Rider Theme" (MP3)

Hoff II: The Revenge

TRY TO LOOK AWAY! You cannot escape the animal sexuality of The Hoff.

How screwed-up is the child welfare system in this country? Well, some genius has given Courtney Love her daughter back. Jesus Christ! Who would make an ideal mother? Oh I know! A brain-fried, pill-popping nutjob who just might be the national poster-girl for recidivism. Can you say "Mommy can't play with you now because she's late for a court date?" Can we even conceive of how messed up this poor kid is gonna be? Seriously, I love our democracy and I have faith in the principles behind our legal system, but how many chances do you get to whip out your tits in a Burger King, pummel someone with a mike stand, fake a miscarriage, and pass out O.D.ed on some poor fucker's lawn before the welfare of your child gets factored into the equation?

To paraphrase America's finest actor, "You need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car—hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a [parent]."

Come to Rififi This Thursday or The Hoff Will Eat These Puppies.

That's right. These cute, cuddly puppies will perish in the gaping maw of German singing sensation David Hasselhoff if you don't show up for the first installment of Bacardi & Cola's new night. It's at 332 E. 11th St. between First and Second aves. in the East Village. We begin 10:00-ish. It's a nice bar and we will provide a loosey-goosey soundtrack of britpop, punk, '80s, mopey English bands, etc. Show how much you love puppies.

Speaking of hott Bacardi & Cola action, Sunday's tsunami benefit was a huge success. After matching funds provided by BMG, the organizers managed to raise some $8,000 for AmeriCares relief efforts. Also, we played a good set and the crowd was friendly and very awesome. Also also, there was free, endless Carlsberg on tap... so I became deeply, profoundly inebriated. Thanks to those of you who made the long journey to Queens. Special thanks to God, for giving us the good judgement to not play "Wave of Mutilation."

And now the news: As TSpinks called to tell us the other day, celebrity juggernaut Brennifer has died. The question is, if Brad and Jennifer can't make it work, is there hope for any of us? The tabloids claim that Brad had a dalliance with horrid bitch-goddess Angelina Jolie, but after seeing her bare celebrity boobies (and bad acting) in the abysmal Taking Lives, the management cannot endorse these ridiculous theories. Jennifer's celebrity boobies are far superior, and celebrity husbands rarely trade down. Sometimes they'll take a chance on a young, athletic rookie who can play a variety of positions, but they don't pick up aging veterans with limited upside and declining skills.



Oh, one last thing: you should really run out and get Futureheads tickets the second you get a chance. If you fail to do so, the management will instruct The Hoff to remove his bikini briefs.

**UPDATE: check out the radio spot for Britney's new scent!!! [link via Ultragrrrl]